2019

I used to think a new year is just another celebration which human create to exist; just like birthday. It’s just another day passed. But today, I know, new year is a moment to stop, breath, evaluate and accept what happened.

2019 has given me a lot of surprises and makes me questioning a lot, “Do I really deserve this?”

This year, I’m living my dreams. 

By living means the daydreams and ironically, also the nightmares. 

My closest ones know exactly how harsh the struggle has been: to fight, deal, and survive. 

There was a time when the only thing that makes me sane was biking around. I just wanted to keep distracted otherwise I cried. I knew I should be happy but I failed, I lost, I messed up. 

I couldn’t stop self-blaming and wonder what I could do better. Then, I was so sad because shouldn’t I be happy?

Every day felt like a constant battle between what should and shouldn’t.

I’ve just realized, those moments are what make us human after all. To embrace joy and sorrow as things which inseparable. To celebrate more happiness and accept sadness just the way it is. 

Thank you for those who help me along the way, 

those who listen to my endless rants

those who always love me unconditionally, without even trying 

those who keep remind me about my worth

those who never stop believing in all my crazy yet reckless dreams

and those who stay & not blame me for who I am

The most important lesson learned this year is also about to keep hold on to myself and my values. 

To fight for myself just like I fight for my goals 

To accept, it's not my job to change someone

To forgive even without the apology 

To acknowledge, there are so many things out there that I can’t control.

I learned it all the hard way. 

Change, failure, and lost are inevitable.

But at least, now you know, the one who will always save you is yourself,

and it will never betray nor give up on you 

you lose something, you gain something.

Here’s for another day of self-appreciation and gratitude, 

to find myself again, 

then to love it even more.

Still a long way to go, 

but I know, I’m getting there: gradually, eventually.

Have a blessed year ahead!🌠🎇

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