Before coming there, I thought after graduation I will continue to do great things, contribute to the country, doing cool internship or getting a job offer in a prestigious institution. Here I am, I am doing exactly what I could've been doing without a degree from Oxford.
So, what's the point of all those nights and days?
Was that just a short escape? It's not that I wasn't trying because I did.
I remember one of my friends who currently working in London called me and she said, "Where's your ambition?"
the exact question I've been asking to myself lately. I do really want to work abroad, I want to do a PhD, I want to continue whatever it is that makes me alive, instead of just staying at the hospital.
Suddenly, I feel.. small? Does it really matter at all?
I feel like there are so many things going on in my head, and I just want to pour it out. I used to be a poet, but it just feels like I can't write poems anymore. I just feel lost.
I think this is why you shouldn't limit yourself and make those stupid 5-year plans, including deciding for yourself that you have to be a cardiologist when you're not even sure whether you like practising medicine or not.
Maybe I will visit this post again once I'm more calm and reflective. Once I know the "meaning" behind these delays. But for now, I just want to admit that life has been very very slow. or maybe I'm just bored.
another honest truth, in the time like this, I really wish I could have someone that I can talk to. someone that will pat me in the back and make sure that everything will be okay again tomorrow. to enjoy life as it is.
Anyway, I gotta go for a night shift at the hospital.
the anxiety never gets better, no matter how many nights I spend as a night-shifter. I don't feel like I belong to practice.