But then, I also reflect on the bigger hole inside.
For years, love has been a very strange concept for me. I mean, I read it on books, watch the so called movie about love.
I try to deny but the more I think about it the more I realise how big the void is.
I haven't been lucky in love, back in elementary school someone mocked me for being "smart and not beautiful. If it wasn't for my brain, people wouldn't be friends with me."
Back in junior high school, I was too ambitious because I kept asking during class, so people didn't want to become friends with me, let alone become my lover.
Back in high school, I was the girl who often worried that no one would take me home if it's late at night. I ended up stay until morning.
Waktu SMA dulu ada fase regenerasi, biasanya sering sampai malam. Aku adalah orang yang selalu bingung mau nebeng siapa, zaman itu belum ada ojek online seperti sekarang. Aku adalah orang yang tidak ada yang nebengin karena orang-orang dibonceng oleh pacar/pdkt-annya masing-masing. Mungkin ini bentuk proteksi Allah juga, entahlah.
Yang jelas, konsep itu sangat asing di kepalaku.
Mungkin memang bukan untukku.