My Ego Speaking

Last weekend, Putri visited me and this one was not just a casual sleepover like we always do since 10 years ago. She took a plane all the way to Bengkulu and I think this short gate away deserves a post.
After all the struggles I have to face in the last 6 months which turned me into a monster I’ve never imagined before, finally, for the very first time, I feel... content.

We did nothing special, we just drove around the city, visited a fort and two museums (Soekarno and Fatmawati’s house) and went to the beach. On the next day, we sat on the sea side and drank coconuts water. So basic, yet so peaceful.
I spent my new year eve re-read Perahu Kertas then watched the movies. My admiration never get less year by year. I still cry on the very exact page, I need to find my Keenan. I need to start writing my book again.

Here some glimpes from our gateaway: 

Laut selalu jadi rumah paling nyaman untuk merasa pulang.
melarungkan pesan-pesan tentang perasaan yang jauh,
biar karam di dasar sana,

Saya merasa bersalah berbulan-bulan ke belakang,
mungkin sampai hari ini.
Pada diri saya, orang tua saya, sahabat-sahabat saya, dan hal-hal yang saya cintai.
Saya berpikir lebih banyak dari biasanya lagi, 
lalu tiada henti-hentinya membenci diri
karena melepaskan jangkar untuk berlayar 
di laut asing 

Badainya masih berlangsung,
padahal layar saya sudah koyak
perahunya sudah bocor
saya terlanjur tenggelam
dan saya tidak bisa berenang

God, this is my ego speaking. I don’t want to lose my loved ones ever again. You know how dumb I was enduring the last one. Is that too much to ask?