on finding a home - 150 days before Ox.

if there's one thing you've learned from calling different cities home, 

it's that while you leave traces in every corner of those cities, 

you will never be the exact version of yourself in any of them. 

so, what truly defines home?

a long time ago, Bengkulu held the essence of home because your parents lived there, but now they don’t anymore. 

five years ago, Leiden also sounded like the echoes of home, but when the pandemic happened and you had to stay at home, you weren’t there. 

five months ago, Bandung felt like home as well because you finally reconciled with the city. 

but, if it was your home, why did you have to leave after one year expired? 

maybe home is not just about a place; 

then, what is it?

now you're back in your hometown, 

you no longer call those cities home—because Bogor is and they’re not, 

although they once were. 

and five months from now… even Bogor won’t be your home any longer, 

as the city of dreaming spires will be (or so you believe). 

so, again, what truly defines home?

perhaps one day you’ll revisit those places you once called home. 

but then, you wouldn’t meet the girl who learned how to drive in Bengkulu, 

or the devastated young lady crying on a bench in front of Leiden’s hospital, 

or the fresh graduate doctor who got excited on her first ER night shift in Bandung ever again. 

just as you did not meet the Bogor you once knew during your school days 

and now you’re dealing with a quarter-life crisis baby adult instead.

just as seasons and people come and go, 

visiting is not the same as living in 

because one day you were a resident, 

but later, you’ll be just a visitor — an exile who can only reminisce about the things recorded in the galleries.

sometimes, it takes your amateur vlogs to preserve the thought that you lived that version of life, preventing it from blurring into distant fantasies. 

of course, you should have promised to record more and more next time, 

in case your slow brain slows even further, 

so your future self will thank you later.

the fragments of the life you once had might fade away someday, or not, 

but as you carry bits of remnants from places that aren’t merely names on the map, 

the footprints you leave behind are the exact evidence that you didn’t imagine the whole thing, and the mementoes shape you into who you are today eventually, 

as the city evolves, 

and so do you.

at the end of the day, 

you came to realize that,

the only constant definition of home you have is your own self, 

so may you always find comfort within your own skin,

to rest and live, 

here and now, 

wherever you may roam.

—— ini refleksi selama proses mencari kost-kostan. 

sekarang insya Allah sudah dapat tawaran kosan dari college St. Hilda’s (gampangnya ini kaya asrama di Harry Potter gitu, tapi bukan cuma ada empat biji, totalnya ada >30), jaraknya 1 km dari tempat kuliah. 

tapi agak mellownya ngebayangin nanti ngekost-nya gak kayak bareng Karin, Nana, Febi lagi. Gak ada yang bisa diajak patungan beras dan lauk pauk 10 euro per minggu lagi huhu. Gak ada yang gantian buang sampah supaya gak dimarahin landlord lagi. Gak ada yang gantian belanja ke pasar pagi lagi. 

you’re your own kid. 

my current fav photo. 
sotoy bgt foto begini