world mental health day

Remembering my time in Leiden means remembering my another level of personal experience; it was the time when I got striked by the reality that I wasn't as strong as I thought. 

It was dark and frustating. 

I lost weights, I lost myself.

Eventhough it gets better by now, 

I couldn't forget the time when I sat helplessly on the grass and screamed at the sky, just because I couldn't bear to keep walking on my way back home. Then, I called my parents in tears. 

The other day, I rode my bike and took a long way to distract myself from crying. But of course, I still cried, as the October's wind blew out. It was ten degrees celcius and I would rather on my bike rather than any other place.

My bike was my forever-to-go friend whenever I felt the strom was coming. 

Sometimes, I needed more minutes to finish from the bathroom. As the shower turned on, I would just sobbing on the bathtub. 

I also experienced numerous episode of nightmares, almost everyday. Therefore, I prefered to sleep alone in our almost 0 degree bedroom, (our house only have 2 beds so we need to share).

I randomly contacted my friends whenever I needed someone to talk to, even acquitances. Thank you for those who always answering my calls. You know who you are.

It lasted for almost 6 months, even after I went home to Jakarta. 

My parents noticed this very strange behaviour of mine, I couldn't sleep at night, I won't eat, I was so desperate, I lost my interest. I became a very strange person at home.

One night, I heard they were talking about me. They worried.

That was the time when I realized, I need to seek for professional help. And I'm so glad I did! 

No, I wouldn't say thank you for the people who did wrong to me because no matter what, the scar will always there. 

However, I want to say thank you for myself; for being brave enough to seek help, for being strong enough acknowledging your own scars and take care of it and for being open up with this issue 

No one immune to sadnesss. But it takes a whole new level of strength to deal with depression. 

I also remember when writing a blog post here about the world mental health day last year. It's been a year, but do I already recover? 

I don't know. 

On this very moment, a little reminder to all of us, please be kind. It is the least thing we can do; to others and to ourself. 

Take care everyone! 

I'm all ears whenever you need me.