What My Therapist Said Today.

"Waktu pertama kali kamu datang Fon, kamu cerita soal menghabiskan masa SMA kamu sendirian di rumah. Jauh dari orang tua. Aku mikir, ini anak kuat banget ya."

Sometimes it's just funny you know. Myself. 

I've spent my entire high school life without parents, doing so many things all by myself. 

And now, the most scariest thing for me is... being alone. 

Because I hate myself. I should put the blame on myself as you said. 

I'm a crap human being. 

Sometimes, as I look back to my past, my school time. I feel so strong. So powerful... 

Went home and no one was there. All those lonely years. 

I've never realized I've been so alone all this time. I'm craving.

Even when my therapist asked me about my emotion, I didn't remember how I felt. Sometimes I felt alone but the other times, I just felt empty. 

Because I knew, that was the consequence I had to bear, for my dreams. I still have the reason to fight. Maybe I was born as a fighter. 

Because I didn't see living away from my parents was a problem. 

Despite all the loneliness, it was my choice. My responsibility. 

But, all of this never ending sadness and frustation you gave me was not my choice. 

I told you everything. All my deepest fears. How deep down, I never good at saying goodbye. How I always cry everytime my parents fly again. 

How I always run into the kitchen and sobbing like a little girl.

How I hate being the one who stay.

How I hate silently praying my parents would move back but I know it would never happened. 

How I hate being left.

You know that. 

You promised you would never leave.

You promised you would never stop
You promised you would never cheat

We promised to make this thing work out, to conquer the distance, to welcome us home. 

You know everything.

and you still left.