Showing posts with label Contemplation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Contemplation. Show all posts

04/04/2020

Curiousity

Hal yang paling saya iri dari anak-anak adalah kebebasan mereka bertanya apa saja.
Celetukan-celetukan mereka yang ajaib. 
Saya paling senang melihat bayi yang baru belajar bicara. Pelan-pelan mengeja kata kemudian berceloteh sesuka mereka, dibandingkan bayi yang baru lahir dan diam saja. Hehe. 

Saya mengidentifikasi diri sebagai orang yang senang sekali memikirkan sesuatu, seringkali hal-hal yang tidak seharusnya pun dipikirkan. 
Saya sering mempertanyakan, kenapa begini, kenapa begitu. 
Saya senang belajar patofisiologi, selalu ada hal menarik dari sebuah mekanisme. 

Beberapa hari lalu saya mengobrol dengan Papah saat dini hari, quality time yang selalu menyenangkan buat saya. 
"Pah, anak kecil kan suka nanya ya. Kok Papah bisa sih tahan jawabin pertanyaan teteh sama dedek? Sampai kami gede juga Papah tetap jawab."

Waktu saya pergi ke gunung, saya melontarkan pertanyaan, "Kenapa sih jalan di gunung kelak-kelok? kalau dibuat jalan aspal dilurusin dulu apa engga?" semenit kemudian saya merasa pertanyaan itu tidak penting dan bodoh. Tapi orang tua saya tetap menanggapi dan menjawab sampai saya puas. 

Papah menjawab, "Harta termewah anak adalah rasa ingin tahunya teh, kadang dari situlah orang dewasa banyak belajar." 
"Apa pertanyaan Teteh yang paling Papah inget?"

"Waktu itu, Teteh lagi belajar jalan, Mang Eno (tukang di rumah) lagi masang keramik, terus keringetan. Teteh bilang gini, Pah, Allah kan Maha Pencipta, Allah kan bisa ciptain gunung, hutan, sungai, laut, kenapa Allah gak ciptain rumah aja? Biar Mang Eno gausah capek-capek bikin rumah kita. Kan kasian Pah, keringetan."

Entahlah, saya benar-benar merasa ada sebuah kemagisan sendiri saja setiap dengar celotehan-celotehan seperti itu. Gemas. Kadang berpikir juga, apa kelak saya akan sabar ya menjawab satu-satu pertanyaan seperti itu. Harus banyak yang dipersiapkan juga. Menakutkan.

Sampai sekarang saya sangat bersyukur orang tua saya selalu menjawab jika saya bertanya,
Makasih Pah Mah.

31/12/2019

2019

I used to think a new year is just another celebration which human create to exist; just like birthday. It’s just another day passed. But today, I know, new year is a moment to stop, breath, evaluate and accept what happened.

2019 has given me a lot of surprises and makes me questioning a lot, “Do I really deserve this?”
This year, I’m living my dreams. 
By living means the daydreams and ironically, also the nightmares. 
My closest ones know exactly how harsh the struggle has been: to fight, deal, and survive. 
There was a time when the only thing that makes me sane was biking around. I just wanted to keep distracted otherwise I cried. I knew I should be happy but I failed, I lost, I messed up. 
I couldn’t stop self-blaming and wonder what I could do better. Then, I was so sad because shouldn’t I be happy?
Every day felt like a constant battle between what should and shouldn’t.

I’ve just realized, those moments are what make us human after all. To embrace joy and sorrow as things which inseparable. To celebrate more happiness and accept sadness just the way it is. 
Thank you for those who help me along the way, 
those who listen to my endless rants
those who always love me unconditionally, without even trying 
those who keep remind me about my worth
those who never stop believing in all my crazy yet reckless dreams
and those who stay & not blame me for who I am

The most important lesson learned this year is also about to keep hold on to myself and my values. 
To fight for myself just like I fight for my goals 
To accept, it's not my job to change someone
To forgive even without the apology 
To acknowledge, there are so many things out there that I can’t control.
I learned it all the hard way. 
Change, failure, and lost are inevitable.
But at least, now you know, the one who will always save you is yourself,
and it will never betray nor give up on you 
you lose something, you gain something.

Here’s for another day of self-appreciation and gratitude, 
to find myself again, 
then to love it even more.

Still a long way to go, 
but I know, I’m getting there: gradually, eventually.
Have a blessed year ahead!🌠🎇